I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
