Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
