Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
