She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
a search helicopter?!
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Randomize
