You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
