if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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