The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
