I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Randomize
