I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
