you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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