I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
