Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
