My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
