He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
