went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
