I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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