I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
