we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
