Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
