hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
