um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Mom said you looked used
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
