I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
