Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
