I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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