dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Randomize
