Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
