part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
