Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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