Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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