At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
