You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
