I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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