mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Everclear isn't food dammit
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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