I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
