Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
