Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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