Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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