He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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