he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
