Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
So much rum. So many feels.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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