I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
