It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
