I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Randomize
