if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
