i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
