first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
