I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
