the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
