i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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