you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
