i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
