Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Randomize
